Everything Has Fallen and I Don't Know Where to Land

Wishing I could go back to the days of my childhood. Wishing I could go to the days ahead of me. Anything to get away from now. "These are the best days of your life!" How can people say that? If these are the best, why do I miss my past so much? And what will my future hold? These days seem endless. I want them to go away, but there's nothing I can do about it. I pray and ask God why I have to go through this. Then I ask what "this" even is. There's so much pain in this world. I feel so selfish for asking for my pain to be taken away when I see a whole world asking the same thing. I feel like I'm wasting God's time with my prayers. Then I remember that that is what He wants us to do. But my heart aches for others who are hurting more than I could imagine. Why can't I help take their pain away? I see them suffering but I'm too afraid to help. I know they're suffering. I guess I'm afraid of rejection. I know nothing good can happen if I stay still and watch this world stumble and fall in the darkness. Yet how can I be a light when I feel trapped in the darkness myself? I am one of those people who are wandering around, looking for a little light. I shouldn't be like this! I'm supposed to be the one showing the light! Maybe I can't find the Light because I've never really searched before. I've grown up knowing about God's perfect love, but now I'm being tested on how to really find it. I feel as if I never even knew how to find God's love. I realize how much has been told to me and I wasn't really listening. If I could revisit my days as a child, I would listen to the things my parents have been teaching me all my life. Why didn't I listen? I need to learn how to listen. When I pray, I'm the one talking. I don't know how to listen to or for God. I miss the days when I felt so close to God. But maybe my heart and my soul is finally longing for something more than what I had then, even thought it feels as if I've gotten farther from Him. I don't know, but maybe some day, some day soon, I will find my way back to the One who came to seek and save the lost. I want to come back. I just need help getting there.